“The perfect moment never comes”
“The week prior to the photoshoot my nerves started to kick in. Critical thoughts began to surface: Shouldn’t I have eaten less, exercised more, what if I’m tired and my skin looks dull? For a split second I even thought about canceling the shoot to wait for the perfect moment. But, over the last years, I am learning more and more that this perfect moment (the moment that you feel that the construct that you are trying to create of yourself) will never come.
A big part of my life I was striving for perfection and got disappointed in myself when I didn’t reach it. I am learning to accept myself NOW, in this very moment. How I look during that certain moment is something that just is. To show this to the outside world is scary but yet very powerful.
The shoot itself was relaxing, easy going, playful and intimate. It felt like a cozy afternoon with a friend, where you go on a journey of discovery and exploration. Annelies knows how to create an atmosphere that feels casual, while staying truly professional at the same time. It worked very well for me that she didn’t show me the pictures during the shoot. This helped me to stay focused on and connected to myself and my body without worrying how I looked.
I wasn’t always that happy with my body. Feelings of shame, regret and even hate are very familiar to me. In the past I would even avoid situations if those feelings were getting too intense. But now I learned that those feelings were there for a reason, my body was trying to tell me something all along.
During the shoot, these familiar feelings also surfaced and some of the pictures really show that pain and despair. Now that I have learned to give space to these feelings, I get to the core of it. I am working through all the different layers of the pain to heal myself and to get closer to me, to who I truly am.
The results are intimate, vulnerable, feminine but also very powerful and raw. When I saw the pictures for the first time, I was surprised how Annelies created such a magical atmosphere in my very own living room. She knows her way when it comes to understanding light and finding the right balance between giving direction or giving space.
While seeing the pictures for the first time, some critical thoughts started to re-appeared. I noticed myself automatically zooming in on the things that I don’t like about myself. But now I try to see the beauty and uniqueness in those ‘imperfect’ things and the pictures are helping me with seeing it.
It is very special to have had the opportunity to see yourself from an outside perspective. Normally, the only time that I see myself naked is in front of the mirror. It’s very easy to zoom in on specific things and not see the whole ‘picture’. Seeing my body like this on a screen, allows me to see the beauty of the journey I have been on so far and makes me feel grateful for what my body has given to me all those years. And still gives. I am now proud to say that the relationship with my body has never been better before.”